OLD CRAPPY BLOG-Holy Shirt Tails

It's Composition and Short Film Time!

2007-02-25T17:41:00.000-08:00

Good evening ladies and gentleman. I apologize for the lack of posts, but I've been far too busy to press buttons on my scanner. Besides being in an alcohol induced coma and almost dying (and suffering the horrors of a catheter) one of the main causes of my lack of time is that I've been hard at work on a short film to submit to a reality show called "On the Lot," produced by old Stevey Spielberg himself. It's kinda like an "American Idol" for short movies and if your film is judged well, you can go onto the next round, and possibly become a contestant on the show.

Well our submission, directed by yours truly, and starring Dave Hvizdos and myself with Gavin Martens-Carpenter (people most of you don't know!) was made over a period of four days in the beautiful and historic Fort Macleod, Alberta, in miserable frigid weather with countless hardships, drunken Aboriginals and evil Chinese men who own hotels and keep threatening us with untold miseries if we let any girls up there and there's any "hanky panky shit."

Watch in astonishment as your senses are molested by a relentless barrage of awesome. This movie has it all, romance, intrigue, drama, murder, transvestites, guns, cute little kids, gangsters, angry dads, old suits and a show stopping Peter Lorre impression by ME!!! YEAH!

This is the full length uncut version of the film noir spectacle, complete with illegal music and extra fun. The contest has a time limit of five minutes, so since we had unknowingly filmed WAY too much, we had to trim four minutes off of the original. Here it is in it's untainted pure virginal form, but please go to the website: http://films.thelot.com/films/18045 and rate the five minute version accordingly.

Also, on the drawing end of things, here's me practicing my composition and color theories, thanks to the bloggy guidance of the incredible Mr. K. I'm quite happy with the first one (it was actually the latest one I drew, but I posted it first for extra punchiness) and have mixed feelings about the other two.

LEAVE ME COMMENTS!!!

Bruce Meat Animation

2006-12-04T16:03:00.000-08:00

I made this animation over five and a half long bloody hours. I tried desperately to incorporate all of the animation rules I've been absorbing over the past number of months. I've tried to consistently utilize Line of Action, Form, Clear Silohettes, Strong Poses, Anticipation, Stretch and Squash, and some sense of timing. It's mildly choppy because it's only animated at eight frames per second, and done with a digital camera.

Lusty Improvements!

2006-11-20T16:35:00.000-08:00

Ladies beware! Gratuitous idealization of females below! Hide the feminists!

Holy moses! Another post after only two months! Heaven forbid! Hopefully somebody checks in here and I haven't lost all of my beloved fans. Anyway, I've finally improved to a mild degree in my bodacious buxom lady drawings...it's about bloody time.

My best buxom babe to date:

Sha-zing!

The first one (below) took me three horrendous hours to draw and the face is still completely bullocks (angle and construction completely wrong) but I couldnt erase anymore or else the head-area would simply be a big grey blob. I'm rather impressed with the body though (wink wink, nudge nudge).

The second one took me about three hours for the drawing itself (again, the face is pretty crappy) and another couple of hours to color. I'm quite impressed with the bodies, but the faces are quite mediocre. These have been copied shamelessly from old pinup girlies painted by Gil Elvgren, the undisputed master of buxom babes. I shant post the originals lest mine shrivel in compare. The sketch itself was hell to draw, seeing as I was constantly changing angles and curves and making her "less muscular" and such.

As you may very well be able to tell, the colored version (top of post!) is quite different from the sketch, her legs being less "buff" and more shapely and the squirrel cheek has (hopefully) been lessened.

Eventually I hope to get to the point where I can break down such stereotypically beautiful gals into a workable formula and, in theory, be able to draw them relatively fast (not three hours+ per drawing). I'm on my way though, thanks to old fashioned naughtiness and my "How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way" book by Stan Lee and John Buscema. Once I get some legitimate theories, I'll post 'em and share my secrets with mankind.

Tell me what sucks (and hopefully what's good)!

Who's On First?

2006-08-30T14:37:00.000-07:00

You know you want it. I know everyone out there in internet-land lays awake at night thinking to themselves, "If only I could see that charming Josh fellow and his pal Dave do a classic comedy routine, all my secret fantasies would come true!!!"

Well, the wait is over, and I'm here to fufill your most forbidden desires! That's right, a crappy video of Josh "Space Slayer" Heisie and Dave "TurboRage" Hvizdos doing "Who's On First?" at a Vaudeville show to the delight of MILLIONS! Worship our fine comedic timing and snappy attire!

Old Men and a Ruffian!

2006-08-13T10:28:00.000-07:00

Jiminy. Sorry for taking so long for another post...hopefully someone still looks at this place.

Anyways, yesterday, in a fevered fit of inspiration, I, for no real reason, began drawing some sixties-era old men. I wasn't trying to draw anyone in particular, just trying to emcompass a certain generation of middle-to-old-aged men. These decent, God-fearing men are just at the end of the farming-and-hard-work age and just at the beginning of the technological age. They don't like new ideas, hippies, foreigners and computers, and remember back in the day where you could go to the cafe after a long days work and get a coffee and a piece of lemon pie for two bits. I hope these pictures get the point across.

I'm really pleased with the top drawing, and the cowboy-liking old guy, and the rest I think turned out alright. Tell me what you filthy lazy kids think!

BONUS FUN! Here's a randomized thug I drew this morning.Leave me comments or DIE.

Awards O' Fun!!! (part four of four)

2006-06-24T09:23:00.000-07:00

Here the last of my incredible spoil-your-new-suit-esque Sole Survivor Awards. I was really happy with the "lusty lady" and the filthy rapscallions behind her when it was all sketched out, but I'm not very happy with the shading, and the squirrels could have been alot funnier. I think this drawing is a victim of that horrible disease known as "over-shading" (even though my last drawing has a lot more shading, it just doesnt suck).

Anyways, I still think it's pretty funny, what does everyone in internet-land think?

Keep checking in for more amazing crap!

Awards o' Fun!! (part three of four)

2006-06-15T19:50:00.000-07:00

Well I'm running horrendously past my deadline, but here is my next installment of the "Sole Survivor" awards. My original idea for this award (the hillbilly guy, there, running away from an angry bear), which I had all sketched out and ready to finish, made me very irate, as I found it to be boring and uninspired. So, I decided, although it made me fall far behind, because I'm already a week late with these as is, I made this new, exciting doom filled picture that I am much more proud of.

I think this is my favorite of the three I've done so far...The background was ridiculously crowded, so I really had to work at it to give the picture some "depth" and make it not look cluttered and crappy. I think I succeeded because now all the ladies are tearing at my clothes and shouting "Ooh Josh, ravage me!"

Whaddaya'll think? Leave me comments with insults or compliments or just to say "Ravage me too!" And yes, I mean YOU, if you're reading this, gimme a comment or I'll eat your babies.

Stay tuned for a naughty lady running away from lusting sailors and hillbillies!

PS: Can anyone tell me how to make it so you can click on these pictures to make them bigger? I thought it was just supposed to happen automatically...

Awards o' Fun! (part two of four)

2006-06-08T19:38:00.000-07:00

Here's the thinly disguised transvestite I promised! I really wanted to draw stubble and chest hair to add texture, but I knew that it would completely destroy all doubt that it's not a woman (I snuck in some knee stubble though).

I couldn't really find a face that didn't irritate me or make her look too much like a man, so I settled on a somewhat Popeye-esque mug. I'm rather impressed with how this turned out, though not quite as much as with my last one. I think the chest needs some work, as well as the feet and background.

Give me your opinions or I'll eat your unborn babies.

Stay tuned for a drunken hillbilly with an axe!

BONUS FUN!!!
I found the world's funniest picture ever taken!

Awards o' Fun! (part one of four)

2006-05-28T18:17:00.000-07:00

Every year for the past five years, I've been called upon to draw up award/certificate type things for a local annual race called "Sole Survivor" (clever name, I know). People from all over send me letters saying "Nice drawings" and "Let me carry your babies" and "Meet me behind the truckstop at midnight".

Below is my first of four drawings I have to have finished outrageously soon. The idea was to have an ordinary hobo, but he turned out miserable looking, so I gave him a dog to keep him company, but the dog looks miserable too. It seems these guys are terribly unpleasant to be winning a race, so I drew a happy squirrel in the tree to balance out the misery and the world is alright again.

Cartoony-type people will rejoice in knowing that I used the Preston Blair book to help me with this wonderful loin-fruit, and I think it turned out rather well. Stay tuned for part two: A thinly disguised transvestite! Hooray for appropriate and decent awards! Leave me comments or die.

Bonus Fun! Check out the most terrifying scene put in any movie ever! I can't imagine how many kiddies minds this has corrupted...it gives ME the heebie-jeebies...!

The Naughty Lunch

2006-04-25T07:19:00.000-07:00

It seems Mrs. Grenewich has cooked up a terribly racy lunch for Mr. Tom! Directed by the acclaimed Casper Milktoast and starring Dave "Danger" Hvizdos and myself, "The Naughty Lunch" is a sinful delight you don't want to miss.

ALL AMERICAN SLABS OF MANHOOD

2006-04-17T14:07:00.000-07:00

I was in a second hand store the other day ("Twice is Nice" as a matter of fact...I bet whoever came up with that name thinks they're the cleverest rascal in town) and I came across the world's manliest magazine: "Ken for Men" from 1959! It cost me eleven hard earned dollars but I got it and it's the manliest thing ever...It beats the pants off of "manly" magazine of today, like "Maxim" and crap. It's packed with war stories, gun advertisements, dirty jokes, scantily clad women and Charles Atlas himself (whom apparently is the World's most perfectly developed man) telling you how to be even more manly. And it also has an article telling a supposedly true story of a very manly looking man lost in the jungle with tons of bodacious sex-starved Amazon women!
My god, how can one man fend off these lusting man hungry gals?!?

Anyway, I was terribly impressed by how in all the illustrations all the men looked basically the same...squared, bulging jaws, massive slabs of chin and snappy haircuts. All the real photos of people sort of looked wimpy, but whenever there was an illustration depicting their adventure they suddenly looked like a solid hunk of manhood.

So inspired was I, that I took a break from trying to draw buxom babes and drew some stereotypical hero men! I wish I could look this rugged and manly...then all the gals would be clawing MY clothes off as I fended off the Nazis and Communists and Hippies!

I'm very pleased with this one...he seems to be a fine example of rugged manliness. This is my favorite drawing of the bunch...although his snappy haircut needs a bit of work.

This chunk of red-blooded American man seems to be having a good time...I think some gals must be tearing his trousers off, or he just defeated an evil band of cannibals. Perhaps he's laughing at the comical mishaps of his less-manly sidekick. I'm more pleased with this man's haircut, but his face needs some work.

This is an attempt at drawing the neck and head from a different angle...it turned out okay, but it doesnt exactly look constructed...as you can see, Fred Flintstone type stubble makes manly men look far more rugged, thusly making them far more heroic and babe-worthy.

Purple paper is the best for manly drawings, as you can tell. Soon I'm going to attempt to make an epic illustration with busty ladies AND heroic chiselled slabs of manhood!

Leave me comments or die.

Hold your DAMN horses

2006-04-11T15:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm actually getting far better at girly drawings thanks to all sorts of helpful people and websites I've found, an old "How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way" book and just generally practicing. But, I've got nothing yet that I really feel decent posting, because it all still sucks, but when I do, this place'll be the first to see it.

In the meantime, maybe I'll post some more charming/funny/disturbing crap...

~Josh

PS: Everybody check out the websites of my favorite cartoon heroes at Spumco:
www.johnkstuff.blogspot.com -my cartoon hero
www.funnycute.blogspot.com -my cartoon hero's assistant lady

and these other important cartoony blogs I've found:
www.sevencamels.blogspot.com -informative stuff from a Disney storyboard man
http://classicanimation.blogspot.com
http://chrisbattleillustration.blogspot.com/ -not really my kind of art, but cool none the less.

I found this other eally

Request for Help with Buxom Sexpots

2006-03-21T14:41:00.000-08:00

CAUTION TO OUTRAGEOUSLY EASILY OFFENDED MORONS, BIG BABIES, AND IMPORTANT GODFEARING COMMUNITY FIGURES:

THERE IS VERY SLIGHT AND INOFFENSIVE NUDITY IN THE BELOW POST. YOU MAY WANT TO HAVE A LONG SHOWER AND BURN YOUR CLOTHES. TO EXTREME FEMINISTS: THERE IS DRAWINGS DEPICTING LADIES IN PERHAPS GRATUITOUSLY SKIMPY CLOTHING. GET OVER IT.

Since I am a pubescent boy, it we all know that it was inevitable, and today's post is about "girlies". It seems that it is virtually impossible to draw a sexy cartoon girlie. Fat women, pooping men and homeless people are no problem...but lusty ladies seem another matter. I can even do buff, hairy, stubbled, large-chinned manly types rather smashingly, but the 'cuddly bodacious buxom babes' are another matter.

The fine folks at Spumco (of Ren and Stimpy fame) can do excellent lusty ladies

And the best are old forties cartoons (especially the lustiest cartoon lady in existence, Tex Avery's Red Hot Riding Hood)

I've been trying on and off for a considerable amount of time (not for very long at a pop...due to frustration and the uncontrollable urge to draw hairy fat pooping men and that such stuff) and never to any avail. I went to my art teacher, who gave me a booklet on human proportions, but it was a load of bunk and all the "sultry sexpots" looked like "men".

The past while (particularily this last week) I've decided that enough is enough, and I pulled out the old Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Magazine (so bloody well sue me), and the old forties pinup girlies (Gil Elvgren being the master of pinup girlie artists, as shown at the beginning of this post) and started figuring out proportions (because without proportions based on real girlies, cartoon girlies look terrible, just look at most every cartoon on TV).

Below I post my amazing theories. All measurements are based on the size of the girlie's head, IE 'it is one head length from the chin to the top of the boobies, etc. If there is anyone in internetland who can actually draw these proverbial 'cuddly bodacious buxom babes' then PLEASE correct me, or give me hints, because these 'theories' really aren't helping much, and all my "sultry sexpots" still often look like "men" or "hideously malformed" or perhaps "Sheldon's mother".The first picture here sucks quite painfully ^I'm mildly impressed with this one^

This one is okay...but rather unattractive, and the pelvis (heh heh) is out of proportion...

You can't read some of the notes (because my scanner is a prostitute of Hitler), but you get the general idea anyway...I'm sure all you guys and gals aren't terrible hot in the trousers to read it anyway. Somebody smart please tell me how to make these not suck. Thank you. As for you real girls out there who think I'm being a pervert for wanting to draw girlies...I'm not, so Poo on you.

It's That Season Again

2006-02-22T15:12:00.000-08:00

Well, Valentine's day is past and spring is just around the corner, so what better subject could I draw of, but love? Here we have a young suitor and his lovely lady-friend sharing a tender moment together.

Welcome

2006-02-20T11:04:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Josh "Just What the Doctor Ordered" Heisie's Pictures of Sultry Lust. Here I shall dazzle you all with my incredible wit and clever pictures. To start us off, we have a man with his lovely wife and son, living the American Dream. Stay tuned for more fun!